Sunday, November 14, 2010

so, i haven't wrote anything here in forever.
i feel kinda bad, but i also kinda don't care.
uuhm, idk what to say.
i guess i could say what's new?

i'm.. kiiinda talking to skylar.
and nick.
my hair is black as of last night.
i found out sex the first time hurts like fuck.
and i'm going to try and be less shy.
and talk more. and don't regret
and say what's on my mind.
and do what the fuck i want.
i'm going to try and not let people control my life anymore.

someone wish me luck, i need it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

i love my dad.

'where are you going for this party?'
'you don't wanna know. dad, no, seriously, you don't wanna know'
'no, just tell me.'
'NOOO, you might say no! seriously, dad, you don't wanna know.'
'felica, just tell me. damn.'
'..uhm, st. louis.'
'..'
'I TOLD YOU YOU DIDN'T WANNA KNOW.'

he's giving me advice about what to eat before i drink so i don't get too sick later, what'll definitely make me puke, and more..

Thursday, October 14, 2010

i love you. i love you. i love you.
i love you so fucking much, and this still hurts.
i'm still feeling shitty because of you.
maybe not as constantly, but it's still gradually getting
worse
and worse
and worse.











i'm just one of ninetynine.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

so, being a freshman isn't too bad.


WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: dr. pepper. ergh. :c

2. Last phone call: uhhh, my grandma.

3. Last text message: phat.

4. Last song you listened to: lost yourself - eminem

5. Last time you cried: ..for once, i'm really not sure.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: mhmmm

7. Been cheated on: yeah.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: kinda.

9. Lost someone special: too many times.

10. Been depressed: uh, yeah. :c

11. Been drunk and threw up: drank then threw up. but i've never been drunk then threw up.


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. silver

13. black

14. purple

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend: yuhh

16. Fallen out of love: ..mmmm, no comment.

17. Laughed until you cried: mhm.

18. Met someone who changed you: no.

19. Found out who your true friends were: kinda.

20. Found out someone was talking about you: AHAHAHAH, at least once a month.

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: nopee.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: uh, not many.

23. How many kids do you want: none, really.

24. Do you have any pets: yeeees. two dogs and a cat.

25. Do you want to change your name: yes. first and last.

26. What did you do for your last birthday: ..uhm, i'm not sure what i did. i can't remember.

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping, i think. or fucking texting phat, trying to get inside his mind. needless to say, it didn't work. it's phat.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: fucking nyc.

30. Last time you saw your Mother: when i was like seven.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: ..there's honestly too much. :c

32. What are you listening to right now: the rocky horror picture show.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah.

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: ..phat.

35. Most visited webpage: subeta.

36. Whats your real name: felica phillabaum

37. Nicknames: uh, none?

38. Relationship Status: single. :c

39. Zodiac sign: scorpio.

40. Male or female: female.

41. Primary School: steeleville grade school.

42. Secondary School: steeleville high school.

43. High school/college: uh, what? see above.

44. Hair color: currently? reddish.

45. Long or short: medium.

46. Height: ..5'1 and 1/4th of an inch. :c

47. Do you have a crush on someone: no.

48: What do you like about yourself: ..uuuuhhhhhhhh..

49. Piercings: three.

50. Tattoos: none yet.

51. Righty or lefty: innie.

FIRSTS :

53. First piercing: ears.

54. First best friend: ..idr her name.

55. First sport you joined: softball.

56. First vacation: ..uhm, texas.

58. First pair of trainers: what?

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating: au gratin or something.

60. Drinking: dr. pepper. :c

61. I'm about to: look back down at my screen from the tv. oops, done.

62. Listening to: rocky horror picture show, damnit.

63. Waiting for: a text. :c

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids: no.

65. Get married: possibly.

66. Career: ..geek squad.

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes: idfc.

68. Hugs or kisses: both

69. Shorter or taller: ..uhm, taller.

70. Older or Younger: older, for sure.

71. Romantic or spontaneous: bothhh.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: both, neither, one or the other. idgaf.

73. Sensitive or loud: both.

74. Hook-up or relationship: anyone who knows me knows this.

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: no.

77. Drank hard liquor: yes.

78. Lost glasses/contacts: yes.

79. Sex on first date: no.

80. Broken someone's heart: i doubt it.

82. Been arrested: no.

83. Turned someone down: yuh.

84. Cried when someone died: mhm.

85. Fallen For A Friend: yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: to be disgusting? to fail? to be horrible? to be a bad person? to only believe in myself about negative things? of fucking course.

87. Miracles: no.

88. Love at first sight: lust, but not love.

89. Heaven: no.

90. Santa Claus: no.

91. Kiss on the first date: yes, but it depends for me.

92. Angels: no.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: noooo.

95. Did you sing today: UHM I'M WATCHING THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. no fuck i've sang today.

96. Ever cheated on somebody: no.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: i only wanna go forward.

98. The moment you would choose to relive: ..nothing.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love: somewhat.

100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: no? what else am i gonna call this?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

i don't know who any of us are anymore.
phat's out, cujo's in.
sara's leaving, elle's coming.
fleur's gone, val's here, but barely.

i've still got this lockboxskullofmine that doesn't want to see the light.
it argues and screams and pleads and gives up. the latter's for the better, while it lasts.
'i'll be okay, i'm getting better, things'll change. i promise.'
everyone thinks i'm trustworthy, but i can't even keep a promise to myself.







i'm starting to crash and burn like an ellen hopkins creation, and i don't know how to stop.

i'm counting down the days to school: five.
maybe i'm lying to myself; i'm not fine, and i'm not ready.
i'm going into high school with friends, but i honestly feel almost completely alone.
i'm afraid of what's in store for me. cigarettes, for sure. even more depression, drama, hurt.
drugs? self inhury? hate? love?

Monday, August 9, 2010

i'm not sure what we're doing anymore.
i alienated myself (hey, that'd explain a lot. i'm an alien.) from you for a reason,
then took you back. i know i still love you, maybe even a lot, still. you're back.
you're hurting me again, and i don't 'like' it as much this time. this time,
i'm getting tired of it. i don't know how much more i can put up with.

you see, you're trying to feed me an image of who i am. who you would get along with.
according to you, i'm lame. i have no self control, and i want you to fuck me. and i love you, more or less
and i don't mind that you hurt me so much. i shouldn't notice the shit you do hurts, because it's you.
it's just what you do. it's who you are. and while you're a lame person too, you're better than me.
i'm just a quarterwhore, and i'm supposed to be fine with never getting a glance out of your pocket (boxers would work better).
i've gotta be there for you, but i'm completely fine when you ignore me while i'm crying without tears.
(because seriously, we both know i've cried so much the tears won't come anymore.)
why am i always the stable one?
i'm always the good one, more or less.

i'm the clean one.
i just smoke.

and i have nooo self control.
i LOVE phat's dick, and when he teases me, i'm definitely wet, and all that shit.
yeah, i have no self control at all.
which is why he's seen me lately. yeahhh. i know, right?
and i can tell him everything, don't worry about it, but he can't tell me shit.

but that's how it's always worked, hasn't it?

Friday, July 23, 2010

my story from before now is here; http://glitternarcotic.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d283959

now, the aftermath. the beginning, actually. the beforenow is more like.. a preface or something.

(you have the read what i linked to to get this)
i'm over robin. i've changed so fucking much.
i'm only fourteen now (fifteen in november),
but i feel like all the shit that's happened to me;
almost being raped by robin, trusting skylar and tyler (and still loving the latter somehow)
almost ODing a couple weeks ago, making serious plans that will become a reality.
cutting, taking (way) too much medication, trying drugs, harming myself.
it's all made me a strong person.
before&after robin, i listened to music a lot to calm me down and convince me not to do stupid shit.
(it's the same now, actually. mcr. hinder, kill hannah and mayday parade - though all but the first are only sometimes.)
those bands have helped me through the times when i couldn't be strong enough. for myself, or friends.
the.. three? main bands that've helped me through my life so far, are..
evanescence, my chemical romance, and koRn.
listening to mcr gave(and gives) me the most hope, out of everything i listen to.
i think now, the song that just.. gets me the most is the ghost of you.
i'm moving to carbondale (a college city here) with a friend.
we both have horrible lives at home, and we're getting out together.
to be honest, i'm surprised i'm alive now.
i'm surprised i made it out of jr. high.
and i made it with this friend. (let's call her 'bea')
graduation, after promotion, we met in the parking lot, and just.. bawled our eyes out.
we made it. i have her to thank, and my music.
my music the most.

even now, i'm going through some hard shit.
i was supposed to fail both seventh and eighth grade.
i'm going into high school. in like three weeks.
and i'm not prepared at all. the only subject i know is lit/english/spelling. that shit (because it's natural to me).
(not related; but i can't afford registration or supplies or even new clothes. and none of my stuff other than sweats fit me now)
so.. i guess mcr and my other music is going to have to help me this year.
i've got another two years until i can leave this sleepy little village, with bea, at 16 after i get emancipated.
after about five years, working for two straight years where i can, then getting my GED at 18, i'm going to go to a vocational school (and school half time).
for.. something related to computers. that's the only thing i can see myself doing. at alll.
but. after schooling, i'm moving up to somewhere in nyc. after that.. i'm not coming back home. ever.
bea's going to make me visit my father while she visits her (big) family.
when i go to nyc alone, no one can make me do it. and i'm not.
my dad's put me through so fucking much.
so far, he's almost made me have a nerve stroke. and cry.. like, a lot. butthisisn'taboutthat.
i think, because of that, the song that gets me the most by mcr is the ghost of you.
my dad's a compulsive liar, like me. i think i got it from him, among other reasons.
he keeps so much from me. i didn't know who my real mother was until i was like nine. (i think that helped the shit when i was 10-11. she didn't want me. at all.)
(&until then, she died in a car crash. and talked a lot. that's it. and it was the complete opposite from my real mother)
he's only hit me.. three? times ever. but i've got so many scars from him. because of him. mentally. a couple physically.
he's always going to haunt me. it's always going to bother me. his entire life, he chose alcohol over everything. his life, his wife, his mother, his brother, his pets, his house, his mind. his record. his reputation. his schooling. his work/career. his only daughter. his daughter's home life. my safety. i don't feel safe around him. i don't feel safe in my home.
people put me down because of my father. i get shit like 'OH WOW, FELICA. your fucking dad is a disgusting alcholic and can't change and is a shitty person and stupid' and 'LOLOL FELICA I SAW YOUR DAD STUMBLING UPTOWN, HOW SHITTY MUST THAT BE?'
and like i've said.. after i leave, i'm never coming home.

when in nyc, i may have friends. but i'll definitely have my corgi (whose name will be hermes, female or male) and my music; especially mcr.


(also just sayin', i've have the ghost of you playing for most of the time i was writing this.)
phat - tyler
val - ani
sara(h) - sie
hal - jason
samuel - dad
x - grandma
x - luann
elle - christa
bea - rhi
lars - jesse
fleur - malorie
cujo - cj

Thursday, July 22, 2010

WHY. WHY
FUCKING
ME.

every god damn time i'm in this kind of mood. like i'm on the fucking rag BUT I'M NOT AND I WON'T BE SOON.
every. single. god. damn. time.
SOMETHING FUCKING HAPPENS.
WHY.

and why the fuck am i such an ungrateful bitch, too?
oh well. kinda known that idgaf anymore.
THAT'S ME.
i'm a fucking horrible and disgusting person.

now my bed has fucking soda on it.
like, where i sleep.
CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP THERE TODAY. WOOOOO, COUCH.
actually, loveseat/sofa.
i fit in it.
yeah, neck to knees.
and it's full of fucking dog hair and smells bad.
and the dogs are in there, so they fucking bother me and keep me up.

and i've been fucking crying.
i want to sleep in MY bed. and i just fucking washed everything for my bed.
and the soda got on my pillow that i can't really wash.
AND. i major fucking ants in my room. now they might get on my bed.
i just fucking got over freaking out because i thought i had ants on me constantly.



i fucking hate this so much.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

and it's been eighteen days, since..
i don't know any more. and it's really only been fourteen days, but bare with me.


i miss how we used to curl up together,
smiling and whispering iloveyous.
i've always been a negative girl,
but you were the only one i've ever believed.
now that i look both ways, i guess i enjoy the pain.
i'm getting an idea of what my future has in store,
and it doesn't look so bad so far. i just can't wait to be
eighteen. no hiding behind parents that can buy us cigarettes,
less lies to everyone- yourself included. no mask to hide behind;
your only enemy lies within, if it's even there anymore.

-



two years may seem like a long time, but i almost think it's coming too soon.
i have plans i'm not entirely sure i'll be able to keep up with-
everything is changing, and i'm definitely behind. my friends
are no longer friends, and i'm leaving the rest behind soon.
i've always wished that i could just.. grow up, and now that i have,
i'm not sure whether i'm glad, scared, or both.
but i don't think i'd reverse it for the world.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

i almost od'd last night.


on complete accident.

Monday, July 5, 2010

i'm going to slip into depression so much worse when i move to nyc alone.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

okay, okay. you don't want me to get something.
but.. being so uncooperative is irritating as fuck.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

so. uhm.
haven't posted here in a while.
but..

holy fuck. jason just read be 5.5 pages of the christmas carol on skype.
and he sounds like snape so much. except it's kinda? deeper, and not nasally. iow amazing.
and he called me a bastard. >c
but i told him to say my name and he said 'flick.' so that's now my msn name.
then he said felica, and.. i definitely like flick better.
and i like that the most out of all my nicknames from him.


but.
the fourth is both rhi's birthday and cocoa's.
and..
i found out more about what i'm doing when i move.
and when i am. and all that shit.


and i had an idea while on my itouch for a poem, but i think i've lost it.
i'm not sure. i'll do it later when i can keep my eyes open.



also, holy fuck.
i feel like snape/his twin just read to me.
and it was amazing.

Friday, June 25, 2010

3. offer them a ride home.


It's the middle of Autumn; the leaves that are left on trees are golden, red, and , but most are on the ground, crunchy and available to be stepped on. It's windy in the large city of Crestbury, and the air smells like the ocean from the large beach on the south side. Needless to say, it's cold. Very cold. It hasn't rained yet, but it's getting darker- the first storm is coming.

Zailynne walks down the torn up sidewalk, slowing occasionally to move her dark hair out of her face. Pulling her knitted jacket together more with one hand and pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose with the other, she glances up and across the road at the top of the tall apartments. Seeing a large corgi in one of the top windows, she smiles softly and waves, then turns her gaze back to the walkway in front of her.

'Yeah?' she answers her phone, glancing up and down the street before she quickly walks across the street. It's Reylyt, probably calling to ask her to do something for him.

'Yeah, Zai baby. Would you mind stopping by my house to feed Mer for me? I'm going out with Zeph tonight, and I'd hate for him to not get his dindins.' Reylyt's voice turns from distracted to mush as his kitten crosses his mind.

'Oh, yeah. I will, don't worry. I'm going to the library now, but I'll go over to feed him before I head home.' she rolls her eyes slightly, wondering just what her friend was up to.

'Alright, thank you!' he laughs slightly, and clicks the phone off. Zailynne exhales through her nose in amusement and slips her phone into her back pocket.

Zailynne walks out of the library and quickly shoves her books into her jacket, trying to shield it from the rain that must have arrived while she was in the back. As she starts to walk to the grass, she pauses and turns around, hearing someone whistle.

'Hey, get in! It's wet!' Ceaghan beams at her. He's sitting in the driver's seat of an old, rusty, beat up pickup truck stopped in the parking lot. Zailynne exhales through her nose and rolls her eyes, trying to contain a small smile that pulls at her lips.

'Really? I hadn't noticed!' she calls back, shaking her head. Glancing at the road, then back at the truck she grips her book tighter under her jacket. Sighing slightly, she runs to the truck and quickly scrambles in. She rolls up the window, places her book on the dashboard then buckles herself into the seat.

'Well, Ms. Shy, I can't say I'm not too surprised to see you here.' Ceaghan smiles, pulling out of the parking lot. 'Right way, right?'

'Uhh,' Zailynne pauses. 'yeah, it is. I have to go to Reylyt's house.'

'And what was that, about not being the boyfriend?' Ceaghan jokes and keeps his eyes on the road, his smile fading a tiny bit, but barely enough to notice.

'He's not,' Zailynne sighs. 'I have to stop by his house to feed his cat. He called and told me he wouldn't be back home tonight until way late. So I said I'd feed him- and I didn't think it would rain or I would have postponed my visit to the library.'

'Oh, poor thing. I have an axolotl at home that my little brother and I take care of.' Ceaghan shares, and laughs when Zailynne wrinkles her nose. 'What? Don't like sea creatures?'

'No, actually, I don't. I don't like water much, at all. Let alone the creatures that inhabit it.' she states, wrinkling her nose even more. Her hand finds his forearms and touches it. 'Oh, this way.'

'You're going to follow me in?' Zailynne turns her head to her companion as he gets out of the truck right after her. He nods and she sighs, taking her keys out of the pocket of her jacket. After opening the door, she walks in quickly and heads for the kitchen, taking a golden drink out of the fridge. 'Merlin!' she calls, and almost instantly a cat meows from the other room. Soft padding is heard on the hallway floor, and a beautiful young black and white cat jumps onto the counter. 'Mer, baby, get down.'

'Your friend has a nice house,' Ceaghan remarks and glances to Zailynne's newly uncovered wrist, finding the word 'infinite' tattooed there.

'Yeah, he does.' she glances around the kitchen and runs her hand down Merlin's back and around his tail. The cat raises it's bottom as he eats when she repeats the gesture. 'He's never home though; it's a shame. You can, uh, leave, if you'd like. I can wait out the rain here and walk home.' she glances at him though her glasses.

'No, I'd like to give you a ride home. There's no reason to make you walk. How far away do you live?'

'Not too far.'

'Really now.'

'Really. Do you think I'm lying to you?'

'Accttually,' he smiles and leans against a counter, stretching the word out. 'yes, Ms. Shy, I do think you're lying to me.' Zailynne squats on the floor to take Merlin from his food and gives him a kiss. After releasing him, he walks back to him food. Glancing at him through the corner of her eye, Zailynne walks towards the front door.

'You coming?'

'Hah! You said you lived nearby. Why didn't you let me give you a ride home when you left the coffee shop?' Ceaghan glances over to the quite woman, and laughs lightly, seeing her shrug. 'Hey,' he lowers his voice. She glances over to him and raises an eyebrow. 'Will you ease up, please? I'd honestly like to be your friend.'

'You can be.'

'Then why don't you smile?'

'Because; I need a reason to. I've smiled before, you've seen me.'

'I've told you, and you've heard me. You need to smile more.' he stresses.

'I don't see why. I'm happy now. Smiling doesn't mean you're happy.'

'It's an indicator, though.' he smiles as he notices Zailynne cross her legs and turn away from him. 'And you're very pretty, smiling or not. Which way?'

'Left,' she sighs lightly, seeing her large apartment building come into view.

'In there?'

'Alll the way up there.' she points with her head towards the top as the truck pulls to a stop.

'I'll walk you up.'

'What if I don't want you to know where I live?' she glances at Ceaghan, raising an eyebrow. He tilts his head to the side and forward a bit, his sandy blonde hair almost covering an eye, and gives her a blank stare. 'What?' she asks, smiling a tiny bit.

'Awe, look at that smile,' Ceaghan says softly, smiling back. Zailynne rolls her eyes and opens her door, grabbing her book and running to the covered sidewalk.

'Uhm, so, this is my apartment.' Zailynne nods to herself and takes off her jacket and throws it on a chair. Ceaghan nods and pushes out his bottom lip, looking down at the barking corgi in front of him. 'This thing yours?' he laughs and smiles.

'Yes, that thing is mine, thank you. It's name is Hermes.' Zailynne gives her guest a harsh glance. 'Come here, Hermy,' she coos. The short dog stops barking and turns around, running to his owner. She pets his head and rubs his jaw, then motions for Ceaghan.

'I'd really rather not. Contrary to popular belief, I don't like getting bit.'

'Oh, if Herm wanted to bite you you'd be bit by now. Just come here,' she squats down, and takes Ceaghan's hand that he holds out to her. She holds his hand with one of hers letting the other hold Hermes' jaw. 'Herm, butt, he's not going to hurt you, I promise,'

'Right. You can only hurt me, and please don't do that,' he laughs quietly at himself.

'You're full of jokes,' she comments and moves his hand, that's so much larger than hers, over her dog's head and around his jaw, then moves her hand away and sits against the wall. Ceaghan smiles and coos to the dog a little, rubbing along his jaws and the top of his head.

'You know, corgi's aren't so bad,' he laughs, standing up. 'I better be going, though. I told my brother we'd let Spike out if it was wet outside.'

'Spike?' Zailynne repeats.

'Yeahh, Spike. The axolotl; our pet,' he smiles. Zailynne makes a sound and he laughs at her. She sticks her tongue out at him, and Hermes barks once and pants, pawing at Ceaghan's leg. 'Hey, Hermes, I'll talk to you latter, bud.' he smiles more and rubs his head once again, turning to Zailynne. 'I really think you should see him, though. He's pretty cute, and really nice to people.'

'Uhhuhh, yeah. I'll stay away from water and the animals in it for now, thanks though, Ceaghan.' she wrinkles her nose again. Ceaghan turns around, going towards the door. With his hand on the knob, he looks back.

'I'll see you around, right?'

'Yeah, of course.'

Monday, June 21, 2010

'Hey babes, how are you today?' Reylyt smiles as he sits down across from Zailynne and slides her a cup across the table and keeps a coffee for himself.

'Hey, Rey; thanks. I'm doing alright,' she takes her drink and sips at it, then slips her bookmark in her book and sets it down.

'So, I heard from Larenna that some guy was here, talking to you. Tell me what's up,' he grins and leans his elbows on the table, setting his chin on his hands that are clasped together.

'That's surprising,' Zaiynne rolls her eyes and continues. 'His name is Ceaghan. he's very.. Odd.'

'Odd. How so?' Reylyt motion for her to continue.

'After you left,' she pauses to sip her drink. 'he came back here and told me I should smil-' Reylyt cuts her off.

'You should!' he exclaims. 'I think I like this guy already.'

'Well, that's good, because I probably won't see him again.' she gives him a look. 'If you'd like me to not tell you about it, then just tell me.'

'No! Continue, please. Sorry for interrupting,' he smiles and leans towards her more.

'Okay, well, he told me I should smile. Smile more. And he sat down and had a coffee or something and..' she pauses. 'Stared at me pretty much, stood up, paid for both of our drinks, then left.' Reylyt grins.

'Awe, how cute,' he remarks, his grin growing. Zailynne just rolls her eyes and consumes some of her drink, keeping her eyes on her book the entire time.

'Why're you so quiett?' Reylyt complains loudly, pulling a face. 'Baby, talk to me. Are you thinking about him?'

'Who?' Zaiynne looks at him, raising her eyebrows at her friend. Reylyt rolls his eyes as it if were very simple.

'The guy, of course!' he sighs, waving his hands and arms around.

'Rey, you're dramatic. I would say you're embarassing, but I'm sure everyone here is used to you.' She rolls her eyes and he shoots her back a toothy grin. 'But really, no, he wasn't on my mind. Why is it that you seem to be thinking about this whole thing more than me?'

'Because if you don't want him, I do.' he jokes. 'Andd he's a guy whose nice to you. As your brother, I can't help but to like him. But I have to go work. I'm coming over tonight for movies.'

'Alright. I'm going to walk home in a little, maybe stop at the park. Just, call me or something before you come over.' Zaiynne sips at her drink, raising her eyebrows at him over his cup.

'Alright, alright, I will. Promise. Tell me if you see him.' Reylyt winks at her and turns around, walking away with his cup.

The front door bell, and Zailynne glances up quickly, then furrows her eyebrows. Ceaghan smiles as he walks to her in the back. 'Why are you here?'

'Oh, so I'm not allowed to be?' his smile grows. Zailynne rolls her eyes and sighs.

'Yes, you are, but why did you come back?' she asks. 'Anyway, I'm about to leave. Goodbye, Ceaghan.'

'Noo,' he stretches the word out. 'sit here with me for a bit? I'd like to talk to you.' Zailynne raises her eyebrow at him and he smiles softly. 'Don't worry, I won't keep you long.'

'What did you need?' Zailynne asks, leaning back against her seat and sets her book in front of her on the table.

'Well, don't make it sound like I'm keeping you here hostage,' he jokes and slides Zaiynne's book to him and read the inside cover quickly. 'but I was stopping in town again, and I thought I'd see if you were here-'

'Ooh, hello sir!' Reylyt smiles from behind him. Ceaghan turns around to greet him, and Zailynne slaps her hand to her forehead before he turns back around. Reylyt chuckles at her, and Ceaghan turns around to see her glaring at Reylyt.

'You okay, Shy?' he asks, and she nods quickly.

'My name's Reylyt; is there anything you need?' Reylyt smiles at him slightly, nodding his head. 'You want more, Zai?'

'Uh, no, I'm fine, Rey.' Zailynne picks her book up and starts reading, absentmindedly tugging at a strand of her hair a bit.

'I'll just have a coffee, thank you.. Reylyt.' He leaves after gazing at the woman for a moment and Ceaghan turns to Zailynne. 'Is that your boyfriend?'

'What, Reylyt? No, he's not. He's a brother to me,' she scoffs softly and rolls her eyes.

'Is there one around, though?' he questions then grins, showing his white teeth that contrast with his tanned skin. 'Well, not that I'm hitting on you already, but. You are very pretty; I can't imagine you not being taken by some handsome knight in shining armor.' Zailynne smiles softly and her eyes stop moving along with the lines in her book and tugs at a lock of her hair a bit more.

'Why does it matter, Ceaghan? Do you plan on filling that position?' she raises her eyebrows, the corners of her lips still pulled up a little.

'No, not really. And look at that,' he lowers his voice, and turns to thank Reylyt as he sits a coffee down in front of him, then sets another hazelnut mocha in front of Zailynne and takes her previous mug.

'Rey-'

'I got it, babe.' he smiles and walks away.

'Awe,' he fakes a frown. 'it's gone.' The corner of Zailynne's lips raise a tiny bit.

'What?' she asks.

'There, there it is!' his grin returns. 'A beautiful smile.' The woman moves a hand over her mouth slightly, her smile growing slowly. 'Oh, noo,' his grin grows, reaching over and pulls her hand away from her face gently. He pushes her hand down to the table slowly, and she takes a sip of her mocha slowly, letting her hands warm up a bit.

'I don't see how they can be beautiful,' Zailynne looks up to the front of the room, and out of the window. A storm is coming slowly over the town, and it's getting darker; very dark, for the time. 'and I need to leave soon, Ceaghan. You know, you did say you wouldn't keep me long.' she reminds him, and he sighs a little.

'You're right, and I have to keep my word. Do you need aride home?' he asks, pushing his half empty cup farther onto the table.

'Uh, no, I don't. I live right by here,' she fibs. 'thank you though.'

'Are you sure?' she nods. 'Alright then, I'll see you around?' he leaves it as a question.

'Yeah, you will.' she glances at him and quickly dogears her page, and stands up. 'So, I'll see you around. Bye, Ceaghan.'

'Goodbye, Zailynne.'

Monday, June 14, 2010

smile at them.


there's a young woman, sitting alone in the back of a small coffee shop. book in hand, she doesn't even bother glancing up when people walk by her and pause occasionally or when a bell chimes, signaling someone entering the business.


a short, apron clad man clutching a pad to take orders on walks to to her table and stops. he taps softly on the table, and the woman rests a hand on her book, her index finger marking a sentence.

'still no friends with you?' the man smile softly.

'no, rey, no friends with me. i'm sure it's surprising.' she shakes her head a bit.

'and no new book yet. how many times have you read that thing? actually, no, i don't want to know,' he rolls his eyes and grins. 'but anyway, ms. zai, are you going to have your usual?'

'of course, rey. honestly, have i ever had anything else?' she asks, gaze returning to her her book.

'you're very right. i'll be back with it in a couple minutes,' he smiles, looking down zai, who is absorbed in her book once again.

'oh,' she looks up at the back of the man's head. rey turns to face her but keeps walking, backwords now. 'by the way, twenty-seven.'

'zailynne!' comes a male's voice from behind the employee's door of the cafe, the door nearest to zailynne. she places a finger on a word again and looks up to the door expectantly. rey emerges from the door while slipping on his jacket. he sits down and scoots closer to the long haired brunette. she glances at his suspiciously then goes back to her book.


he stares at her face the entire time, then quickly grabs her hazelnut mocha and stands up and backs up a couple feet. 'ugh, reylyt, get your lips off my drink!' she glares at her friend as he smiles brightly then sits the drink back on the table and slides it over to her.

'well, would you rather them be on you?' he laughs and winks. 'but really babes, i need to get going. i'll talk to you later.'

a shadow falls over zai and after a moment she glances up. seeing someone stopped and looking at her, she glances down at her book and marks her place then looks back up.

'is there something you need?' she looks him over quickly and raises an eyebrow.

'hm, no, not really. just wanted to know if i could join you. you looked lonely back here all by yourself, reading,' he pauses to peek at her book and sees a dark pair of shimmering wings gracing the cover. 'and not even smiling. you know, you should smile more,' he nods as if assuring himself.

zailynne raises her eyebrow a bit more and goes back to reading her book. 'why?' she questions.

'because i think it'd be pretty,' he smirks a little and invites himself to sit down across from her.

'and that doesn't make you seem like a player at all,' she scoffs, her eyes still trained on her book. his smirk grows.

'hey, i'm just sayin',' he chuckles and raises his hands in defeat. 'but really i think you should smile.'

'alright.' she says simply and ignores him as he orders his drink and stares at her.

'what the hell is with staring at me today? really, is there something you want?' she says, her tone showing a little bit of irritation, but her expression stays calm for the most part. she saves her place in the book and stares back at him.

'i told you, i want you to smile,' he starts and looks at her with a slightly confused expression. 'is that so impossible?'

'no, it's not,' she gives him an odd look. 'i can smile, and will. i just need a reason to smile.'

'welll,' he stretches the word out, 'i'll make you smile. just wait.'

'uhm, alright,' she glances down to her book and he stands up and puts some money on the table for his drink. 'zai, by the way.'

'shy?' he questions, his eyebrows coming together slightly.

'zailynne, my name.' she clarifies, looking up at him.

'there should be enough there for yours, too. by the way, my name's ceaghan.' he smiles broadly at her and leaves quickly before she can protest her drink being paid for.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

why the fuck would you use a username like 'rapemeplz' or 'rapeme4fun'?
fucking seriously.
if you are THAT fucking dense, maybe you should be raped.
and i'm not one to wish bad things on people.

and get your fucking nipples out of your gallery; it's vf, not a porn site.
i can google tits if i wanted to see some or look at my own.







people disgust me.

Friday, June 11, 2010

the ties've been cut for a little now,
and they're healing alright.
i'm still something i hate, but
that was never your fault too much.

i've found something else to wish for,
and to be quite honest with you while it's
not something i wish would come true more
than the ones about you it's not too bad of a rival.

i'm looking forward to this summer; amusement parks,
staying up for days on end, and even more self destruction
than the one before.

i guess all my thoughts and worries and insecurities about you
in general were more right than i thought they could be. dead on;
surprising, i've never had a good aim unless the target was something bad.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

i'm a pussy. proof.

what i'm afraid of;
bugs.
spidercrickets.
spiders.
crickets.
ladybugs, kinda.
WORMS.
slender man.
things on me / any random feeling i get on my body that's not my skin (blanket, people, ants, air, everything.)
those are just irrational ones. (and there're probably more i didn't think of.)


compliments.
feeling good about myself.
rejection.
heights. except on rollercoasters.
falling. example, if i'm in a taaall walkway thing, with rails that i can't fit through on both sides of me the entire way, i'm still terrified i'm going to fall.
throwing up.
pain.
being lied to.
people touching me. (i can hug people and be fine, i just freak out when people hug me without being like 'awee, i'm going to give you a hug.<3' and then give me time to realize what's happening.)
strangers.
not being on land.
drowning.
being yelled at.



and more.
woo. :l

Monday, June 7, 2010

i posted this on subeta, and i felt like putting it here, too.



i honestly don't think a guy could ever like me, for me. the shit i do and my faults are so many and some are so bad, i don't think a guy could put up with them just to have me. especially when there are plenty of other girls who go through way less than me, complain less, are less negative, and are nicer and care more and look better (or just not horrible). ones that aren't a complete fucking bomb and have been that way since they were ten.

maybe for a friend, but not a boyfriend. and definitely not a fiance or husband.
and i'm afraid i can't change what's wrong with me.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

i didn't think it'd end this way.


-do me a favour?

-?

-it might seem odd,
but;
say goodbye to me?

-... Goodbye?

-yeah.
you'll know why eventually.
goodbye.

/went on invisible

Saturday, May 29, 2010

it always makes me think,
what would people do if i died?

who would cry?
who would feel bad?
who would care at all?
who would wish they had said something?
who would wish they had done something?
who would be relieved?
who would smile?

who would be surprised i didn't kill myself?
who wouldn't be?

who would be surprise i did kill myself?
who wouldn't be?


who would tell who?
who would miss me?








who would remember me twenty years later?

Friday, May 28, 2010

this sleepy little town doesn't have much for me anymore, to be honest.
i'm moving. i'm moving away from this town, these people, my house.
i haven't found a home anywhere in my fourteen years, but i will.
i wish i knew when. i'm going to start over completely. no one will know me.
no one will know all my best kept secrets, my lies, my wishes, the things i wonder.
my quirks, my oddness, my thoughts, my actions, my face or my voice.
fucking new york city.

i'll be there, though not soon enough. i've always said i don't know what the hell i want with my life,
but i think i finally know.

this summer, i'm..
dying my hair.
getting my ears pierced again. (fourth time? yeah.)
trying to get something else pierced. (lip(s)?)
fucking getting rid of this complexion problem COMPLETELY.
getting way better clothes. (thinking 'hipster')
losing some major weight.
making my teeth look better. (whiter?)

in the near future(think a year or two), i'm..
being emancipated, most likely.
moving out.
getting a job.
getting more piercings. (or first?)

in the future(this summer to sixish years), i'm..
moving to new york city.
falling in love. (hopefully, and most likely.)



what else?
i don't know;
i was thinking of more,
but my mind fails to retain thoughts and ideas.
so uhm yeah hey i've decided to dye my hair some time this summer.


me;
http://i49.tinypic.com/2qwlk45.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/152eqkh.jpg
http://i44.tinypic.com/2d9sqvl.jpg
no fullbodies, of course. this IS still me.


nooow, colours!
1; http://tinyurl.com/3yzeylu
2; http://tinyurl.com/35l8nry
3; http://tinyurl.com/32fnd9n
4; http://tinyurl.com/39xx9gj | i had this is my hair before, actually. in chunks over black, and i liked it.
5; http://tinyurl.com/3ye3qkl
6; http://tinyurl.com/34cqwrg
7; http://i42.tinypic.com/15gec0o.jpg
8; http://tinyurl.com/nxsgry
9; http://tinyurl.com/33ocexx
10; http://i48.tinypic.com/1604hft.jpg
11; http://i46.tinypic.com/169gwer.jpg
12; http://i47.tinypic.com/33a9k5x.jpg
13; http://i46.tinypic.com/2qscdg0.jpg


comment/msn/whatever me and tell me which you like the most on me. c:
up to three.

&what style i want for my hair is to be considered way later. cx


--


ani; 5&9
brookie; 6&7&8
lauren;
6&7&8
sierra; 6
tyler; sure6
christa; 2&7&9
xx; xx

Thursday, May 27, 2010

baby we fucked up big time
but let's not look back; i'm afraid
my demons are catching up with us.

leave my heart's pieces on the floor
and dance all over them the next night
while we act like nothing happened.

i write in gibberish that not even i
understand and smile to myself as you
look over my old notebook and praise
my rhyming and extensive wit.

maybe it was just i who fucked up big time;
should've kept my book in my bag and my heart in my chest.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

my tears are dried and crusty on my face now
and i've finally cried so much the tears won't fall anymore.

i've lied and skipped and twirled for you on command and
you end it by saying you actually, honestly don't love me?

you say you don't believe love doesn't exist, but i'm pretty damn
sure it does. i love you more than i should, more than i want, more
than i honestly thought i could.

we met a year ago and i thought you were amazing, but i guess
our views on each other changed, didn't they?

i guess i'm finally understanding now what my friends said.
i love the pain, the read in put downs that i always seem to come up with.
the way you said you loved me before you told me the truth.

i guess i'll have to find someone else to waste all my eleven:eleven wishes on now,
because honestly babe, this compulsive liar doesn't know what the fuck honesty is anymore.

or maybe that's yet another lie i won't remember forming in the morning. i guess i won't find out.
i wished we would have turned out better, but then again my eleven:eleven wishes never come true.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

i don't know anything, anymore, to be honest.


at all.